Since when has it been alright for women to choose death and men to choose violence?

Bishop Weeks attacking his wife, Dr. Juanita Bynum, can’t put the biggest mark on the church. The biggest mark on the church is inaction. The biggest mark is every time a woman stays in a dangerous lifestyle. The biggest mark is every time a minister attacks his mate and is not held accountable. The biggest mark is silence.

When in reality, people need to know. In general, men need to feel like it is social suicide to attack their mates. Women need to let go of toxic relationships, because let’s face it, some of us won’t allow people to help us, because of our choices. But for those of us who do seek help, we need to feel like the church and the community will cover us.

Susan stayed with her husband for years. When she called the police on him, they where his co-workers. They gave him slap on the wrist, looked the other way, and let him get away with it. Jeanne’s husband had been violent many times before. She called the police last night because it was worse then ‘normal’, but felt guilty by the next morning and refused to continue with the charges. I was in Jamaica when my ex-husband jumped on me. He asked the police a poignant question, “What are you going to do about it?” Of course when he asked that question, he reminded them that he was an American citizen and it was his word against mine. The fact that at 6’5″ and 350 pounds he was clearly the biggest man in the country at the time, made their decision to do nothing, extremely easy. But the question still stands, “What are we going to do about it?”

If we are going to fight for our families, then it’s going to start with this…

First, by being a living example of what women should expect and ‘take’ from their husbands and boyfriends by standing up for ourselves. And standing up for ourselves is not getting in that man’s face and showing him ‘what’s what.’
The biggest actions, sometimes are the quietest. You just don’t take it. You just don’t stay in a dangerous situation. You love him from a distance. You pray for him from a distance. You be angry and hurt from a distance. You forgive him from a distance. You cry, you recover, and you put space in between you and him. Momma can’t do the children any good, if she won’t love herself enough to live, and I mean really live and enjoy her life in front of them.

The second way that we are going to fight for our family is by ruling over our own spirits. That’s the wisdom that Solomon gave us in Proverbs 25:28. Men keep your hands to yourself. And if you are with a woman who sets you off, then you need a rooftop somewhere and a new relationship (Pr. 25:24). And if you are the man who is easily angered and making up ‘junk’ in his head that ‘ain’t true,’ then you need some counseling to get to the bottom of your real issues; the source behind your pain. Maybe you where molested and need to deal with it or maybe you are a down low brother in denial and need to confess it or maybe you just never learned how to control your own spirit. In which case, maybe you need to be alone for a long time.

Let’s start by being real. We are expected to participate in our own lives. Wake up and reach out for the next woman, by sharing our stories and holding each other accountable.

Insecurities in men are dangerous, they mean more than we ever thought they did before. So pay attention to who you fall in love with.
And ladies, the need to have the last word could be fatal. Your actions will say everything that is necessary as you remove yourself from that drama forever. You are a woman, She Can, move and get out the way; She Do, change the course of her entire life today . . .
–MizJAI–

The circumstances of this week are a shocker, particularly if you are a Christian or a woman or aware. Juanita Bynum, a prominent minister, author and singer, was physically attacked in the parking lot of a hotel on Tuesday by her husband, Bishop Weeks.

On Thursday, another ministering power couple, Paula and Randy White, announced their plans to divorce which is being explained as an amicable separation.

My question is . . . If that is not our life or our sister or our direct family, then, why do we care so much? Why did it feel like somebody punched me in my stomach when I heard the news? Why did I gasp along with the rest of my community over hearing that Bynum was beat and the Whites were divorcing? I’ll tell you why . . .

We see our selves in their pains and their pleasures.

Every time a woman breaks through a wall in the business world; every time the United States wins a medal in the Olympics; every time a black person overcomes the obstacle, racism; every time a child does something impossible; there is a place inside of me that responds. It is the human condition to care and be connected.

It was not just Bynum who was beat that night, it was women. It was the moment heard around the country, and the message is simple:

For every woman, and especially Christian women, who have hid behind the violence of their mates because of their title and position,
You can stand up,
You can step out,
You don’t have to hide and you never did.

He beat her in a public place, which makes it a public situation and ironic; because domestic violence is a vile crime typically committed in the privacy of homes that should have been sanctuaries. And most women take the abuse for years.

I couldn’t take it at all. I was attacked in a hotel suite on my honey moon in Jamaica where he promised to kill me, just four days after he had promised to love me for a life time. On American soil that would have been considered terroristic threats and aggravated assault. He held me hostage in our room for three hours. I escaped just after midnight. The hotel staff hid me for the night and when I left the island the next morning at daybreak, I also left him, forever. Barring his periodic attempts to make contact, and our visits to court regarding restraining orders, I keep my distance.

In every person’s story we see a part of ourselves. When good things happen, there is a place in us that hopes it will come our way too, like successful marriages and husbands that love us, that won’t hurt us.

Yes, our families are under attack. It’s not new. It’s a darkness that is finally being exposed. And when truth comes, then freedom can follow, finally.

Women have held their tongues for the family. Black women held their tongue for the sake of the revolution. Christan women have held their tongues for the cause of the ministry, but God made us free and strong. And I plan to live like it.

Christian couples divorce as much as the average American couple. They grow apart and they get tired of trying. They forget how to reach each other, they fall away from the love that pulled them together in the first place.

I’m a preacher’s kid and a minister too. I felt the shame. My ex husband was the youth Sunday school teacher. People really liked him in the community. The whole situation was embarrassing. But it still doesn’t make him innocent. It still doesn’t make the incident acceptable. It still doesn’t make me silent. I don’t think I have to be silent. I don’t think I should be silent. I don’t think I can be silent, anymore.

It’s been three years almost and the wedding gifts are still in my mother’s closet. I feel angry every time a woman dies in my town over this issue. I am forever connected to this battle. I always was, we all are . . .

So no, it is not a private issue. It’s a community issue. A woman dies and we care, then we forget. Maybe this time, this woman, because of her name and position, maybe this shock won’t go away. And maybe the community will stand up together for the women on the front lines who are victims, dying physically and being destroyed emotionally.

If we all stand,
women holding women accountable for their choices to suffer and hide;
men holding men accountable for their decisions to strike and destroy,
If we all stand,
Maybe a whole army of us standing,
and not just, one
here and one there,
If we all stand,
then the tide would change,
and the times would change . . .

I know that after an emotional and physical strike like this, the only thing you want to do is survive
in private.
I have a strong desire to put this behind me and not be known as the woman who was beat by her husband on her honeymoon. But I Can & I Do speak, because my life is linked to the next victims survival, in fact, we are forever connected . . .

–MizJAI–

Last night I learned that a Minister in my town was beat up by her husband in the parking lot of the Renaissance Concourse hotel in Atlanta. It shook me up, reminding me of my own past. It shook me up, because the fairytale died, again, for another woman.

She had a very public and beautiful wedding. They have been married for the past 4 or 5 years and have ministered together since their union. She is nationally and internationally known as a psalmist with multiple worship Cd’s, an author with numerous bestselling books, a preacher, prophet & teacher of the Gospel, and a women who inspires and stands the test of time.

Tragedy doesn’t change all of that, it just changes the landscape of the process. It adds one more challenge that she is strong enough to face and overcome. And unfortunately she enters the cannon of women who have been battered and bruised and many killed by another human being’s “insecurities” and rage. She’s got choices to make, only time will let us on the outside know what she will do. As for now I will quote my pastor, “We Got To Pray.”

And you will find me on my knees allowing God to deal with my own pain and ‘standing in the gap’ for another family in need.