Do you remember being in elementary or middle school and having your first crush?  I do. I was in the first grade and his smile just made my day.  I hardly knew anything about him but I knew I wanted to be in the room when he was there.  That crush turned into my first boyfriend and my first break up when my mother informed me that I could not date until I was 16 years old.

It’s funny how we use a word that means – to break, pound, or grind into small fragments or powder, as the word for our budding affections and desires for another person.  Because, if it doesn’t go as  planned isn’t that how we feel – crushed, broken and pounded into small fragments of what could have been.  My little crush was the elementary mini-nightmare that would not quit as he flunked the first grade so many times that he took the class with both of my baby sisters and hit on each of them.   Time is a gift though.  She reveals the wisdom or the foolishness of our decisions.  And let’s face it, we have been known to be the “dumbest” when it comes to love or our interpretation of it.

We search for love outside of God and then wonder why it often falls a part. We sit there trying to “love“ each other without learning how the other person sees love without discovering the actions that show them real love without constantly growing in love. We use the same love tactics from our past and it creates the same mess we have always had. It’s difficult because most of us are kind people with great qualities and one area that keeps causing us a problem over and over again.

Maybe you are the ultimate gift giver but you find yourself desiring a man who is mainly impressed by your discipline and your drive . So, you shower him with gifts and trinkets and neglect yourself and your dreams. And it unravels and it seems like it should have worked but it didn’t because you were never speaking the same language. And so we’ve created one more messy relationship after another.

Well, I finally discovered that love is more than what I feel. Love has a certain nature and behavior that we can count on, and this reality makes discovering her and choosing her much easier. So yes, he makes you tingle on the inside and she makes you smile when you are trying to be cool but these other things should be present too or you are well advised to ”hold up a minute“ to see exactly what or who you are truly dealing with – Like, Luck, Lust, Lazy or Real Love.

4 Things To Look For When You Are Looking For An Outstanding Love (or 4 Things I Discovered by Watching My Mother & Reading the Word)

1. Look for patient endurance instead of anxiousness. Love stands the test of time and never gives up. There is a hope on the inside of love that simply cannot die. Love is strong instead of weak and wimpy. In fact, it’s strong enough to last. Love never fails or fades out or comes to an end. Real lasting love is uncommon in many relationships. It’s the journey and the reward for the ones who put the work in and it’s worth discovering and waiting and praying and preparing for.
2. Look for an uncommon kindness instead an easy rudeness and mean nature. Mean people eventually spread the hate to everyone around them, so be careful. Especially be aware of the passive aggressive because once angered or upset their payback can be very subtle, consistent and painful.
3. Look for humility instead of pride, arrogance, jealousy and envy. Be careful of the person that has that jealous bone. You never know when it will turn on you. You don’t want a relationship riddled with unhealthy competition.
4. Look for truth. In other words, look for that person who does what is right and is excited when the right things happen. This is when character shows up. Discover who this person really is under pressure. Are they truly kind, do they really love God, do they value people, etc. My mom says that dad always stood up for the underdog and that impressed her consistently, even during the tough times.

It’s easy to get swept away with romance and smooth talk. Shoot! Dating and weddings are fun, they are the party and excitement phases of the relationship (this I know). But marriage and abiding love and true understanding is a process with unimaginable rewards (so they tell me). As stated above, this is taken from my mother and 1 Cor 13: 4-8. Check it out for yourself.

Hope you enjoyed these little love lessons. See you next week for a simple remember that is simply exciting.

MizJAI…evaluating herself to make sure that she lives love

Love can be like that, you can plan for your life, do all you need to do to have healing from what hurts you and make yourself as ready as possible for your tomorrows, and when its time to move forward you are simply afraid. That’s okay as long as you learn when to move forward regardless, and when to wait.  If you do plan on diving in to the love pool that is (and yes that was a little corny =;-D, but stay with me), then here are some other four letter words to watch out for because many of us have confused these simple words with love.  And others have thought that we could replace real love with these words.  And for some it appears to work temporarily.  But fake solutions have a way of leaking and breaking apart in irreparable ways.  Let’s check out these words so that we know exactly what we are dealing with and can make adjustments for the best of life, and that includes a real, lasting love from God and the people God has appointed to love you.  These five things are a collection of some of the words I have gathered from my mother’s little life lessons. I give them to you in my own words, but she is the inspiration behind them. My mom is a warrior for real fighting for her health, fighting for her children and fighting for a 35 year marriage that is both exciting and miraculous.

1. LIKE is good.  Like means you are interesting and I want your attention.  I want to watch you and get to know you.  It can be a lovely start of things but it’s not love it’s just the beginning.
2. LUCK can be exciting at first.  Luck is “I bumped into you and happened upon your affection.”  It’s perfect for Mr. & Mrs. Right Now.  But there comes a point that some actions must be taken on purpose.  The entire relationship cannot continue with luck as the driving force or we run the risk of ending up with Lazy.
3. LAZY just is.  Lazy says, “this is who I am and who I will always be.  If this gets you, good, if not, oh well.”  Lazy is what it is: just know what you are dealing with and adjust your heart accordingly.  Change and progress are a part of God’s best life for you, but trying to build a life with a person that fights those things will be a constant uphill climb.  And building a life where you are always laboring to change people into something that they don’t even want to be is difficult and painful.  Adults only change when they want to or have to.  Either way you need God for that to last  and not Eloise “I’m-going-to-make-him-perfect ” Jones or Donald “I-can-fix-her” Smith.  And let’s not forget a major player in this four letter word game, lust.
4. LUST says, “you’re cute and sexy and I want you…your body…you…I just want you.”  Lust doesn’t settle down until it has what it wants.  And it has nothing to do with love.  This emotion runs high and can get us caught up and messed up if we don’t call it what it is and have an accountability team to tell us the truth about what we are facing.
5. LOVE says, “I lifetime you and I have the track record to prove it.  I endure for you, I am patient for you, I seek the best for you, I forever you.”  Love simply lasts and lasts and outlasts it all.  More and more it is easy for me to see just how God is LOVE.  He forevers me, He lifetimes me, He endures for me.  Just know that love is so much more than what they tell us in the movies…keep searching God, yourself and life until you give and receive the best of it.

We have one more post in our little love series so I’ll see you next week the Four Things to Look For When You Are Searching For An Outstanding Love.  This list comes from the expert of all experts, so don’t miss it. In the meantime; Live more, Love more!

MizJAI…rediscovering the heart of love again

Yesterday, I purchased a new lunch box. I was so happy with myself to finally have something that reflects my style to carry my food in. It’s cute and chic (for a lunch box) and it can easily be mistaken for a handbag. I adore the little thing and find that it reminds me of my childhood when I received my very first lunch box. It was a lime-green, square case with the Care Bears all over the outside AND on the thermos. It made me so happy to carry my lunch to elementary school in that little box. And I was equally happy yesterday to carry my lunch to work in my little, grown-up box. So happy, in fact that I random shared this information with two strangers in the grocery store, and walked around my job with the bag in hand much longer than necessary. It’s funny the things that bring us joy on any level.

Simple pleasures truly do shape our lives beautiful, just like simple pains shape it into a heartache if we dwell there too long. Love is interesting because we keep looking for it outside of ourselves. I used to feel lonely all the time. The work day would end and there would be no calls waiting for me. I could give a 12 or 20 hour day for months and years (and I did) and there seemed to be no one to notice or care. My entire family was doing the same thing. And when we stopped to rest I always noticed the silence and my desire to have some one looking for me, noticing me, calling and checking for me. I thought there was no one. Outside of our world of work and service it seemed as if no one saw us (me), as if no one cared. We are community servants; it’s kind of a family trade. We give our lives to others for love. In fact, that’s what saved me. I remembered that we serve for the love of God and others. And in that memory I rediscovered the Golden rule (in my words): to give it away and it will come back to you the way you need it when you need it.

I am still a single woman but now I pick up the phone and call people who probably are not receiving calls at the end of their days. I connect and quit waiting and complaining because my life is happening right now and I might as well participate in it right now. I have been medicating my simple pains by focusing on others for years. In fact, some of those people that I called to love on have passed on and those conversations will live on as a gift that I keep closer and closer as the years go by.

I have learned the hard way that unaddressed heartaches lead to foolish decisions. So pay attention to yourself and the things that make you vulnerable and weak to bad ideas and wrong relationships because

1. The lies we tell ourselves are a block to real love.
2. Never having joys of our own is a weight to the people who (try to) love us.
3. Refusing to grow up and change for the better will get us the same type of relationships that we have always had and consequently the same type of heartaches, headaches (whatever you want to call it).

Love is so much more than romance. It’s also me wanting the best and my willingness to give the best to the people I say that I love. Let’s face it, “love” is the ready topic of every other movie and ready thought of every other single, unmarried individual over the age of 30, excuse me 27. We want love, this captivating all encompassing, us against the world kind of love with another person. And yes like we discovered earlier, hearts can get broken and hurt and that makes love risky and a little dirty, but many of us feel like it’s worth it. Well, I have collected (from the experts) a few tips for those of us who plan to dive in…so stay tuned

MizJAI…finding the love again

Love Interlude: He was breath-taking to her.  Moments in his presence often left her limp and longing for more of him.  She day-dreamed him into her life, wished him into her future.  She danced when she thought of him and something on the inside leaped every time.  All she knew was that she wanted him.  He could make her life wonderful, exciting, better than it was. Here’s a thought: “what did she think of before he came?”  Now, all she seemed to think or imagine was this strange kind of love talk.  He made her a little crazy, a little off balance, a little out of control.  Words rattled in her spirit, “I love you. Yes, I believe I do.”

It’s been said that love is a four letter word, yes, a little dirty, a little risky.  In it’s purest form LOVE is God (1 John 4:8).  In the English language, however, it can be a little confusing as we use the word love to describe our favorite movie and our favorite person in the same breath.  All the while meaning two different kinds of love.  In fact, the Greek language has at least 14 different words to exemplify the various forms of love, and English has one.  That is interesting.  Love is interesting.   That’s easy to see as it is the ready topic of every other movie and ready thought of every other single, unmarried individual over the age of 30.  We want love, this captivating all encompassing, us against the world kind of love with another individual. Some of us have spent a life time dreaming of it, hunting for it, being destroyed by misinterpretations of it, devastating others with our confusion about love.  And it’s still an amazing attention getter.  But I was taught that in all my getting to get understanding (PRO 4:7).  And that leads me to Tina Turner.  Remember her song from the 80s, What’s Love Got To Do With It?

It was one of my favorites growing up.  Her big hair, sassy walk and captivating voice had me singing and wondering, “Why is she saying this?”  One of her lyrics always grabbed my attention more than the rest: who needs a heart, when a heart can be broken? “I do“ I used to whisper to myself, ”I need a heart.“  Then, I learned more about her story of  violence in her marriage and I lived a story of my own and today her words make a lot more sense.  That’s where the risk and the dirt comes in – hearts can get broken, BUT I still whisper to myself, ”I need my heart.  Even though she can be broken, I need her.“  To live our best lives, risk will be required, but the cool thing about God is this: He gives us plenty of guidelines to help us avoid a mess again and again, if we simply pay attention (and believe me, I know it’s easier said than done sometimes).

I have learned something though.  People have been mishandled by other four letter words that they have masqueraded as love and people have been mistreated by others who heard the word on love but never finished the book.  In the next post, we’ll talk about these other four letter words and a little secret that makes this whole thing a little easier.

MizJAI…pondering the meaning of real love

He wore this mask that looked like a man, but was really an angry boy. She wore this mask that looked like a woman, but was truly was a lonely girl. We enter into these relationships with the images and not the realities, and we beat each other up with our insecurities. I used to want a hero to save me. But my weakness could only attract a weak man and a strong God, but I chose the weak man over and over again. So now, in the darkest places I change my mind and I seek the One who made me, I seek His love to minister to me, to heal my brokenness, to restore me. And in the light of day when I am strong again with the power of God’s love and clear with the blessing of His deliverance, I seek relationships with a whole heart, now. See, I’m a superhero myself, and I need a strong man with a big heart and a real relationship with the power of God’s love to heal and deliver him from his own pains.

I’m not saying that from now on we have to be perfect and the people we love have to be perfect. I am saying that we have stop choosing relationships to feed and camouflage the worst in us. I am saying that we have take the mask off and let God deal with our hearts. The hearts that where broken as children when we were molested. The hearts that were devastated when we were betrayed. The hearts that were embittered because of bad relationship after bad relationship. I’m saying it is time to tell ourselves the truth, to deal in the harsh reality of the lies that we may have been living. I’m saying that it’s time to grow up, to get close to Love and allow Him to deal with us intimately and honestly. It’s time for us to trust God to grow us past the pain.

Pull the box of who you really are out of the closest. It’s time to face heaven with the truth and come out as the real, honest and free person that God made you to be, mask free and whole. Remember, this is a process, so deal with one issue at a time, but set your will to see yourself, to do better and to get help.

My preferred help of choice is a Bible Believing Church that teaches the Practical Application of Gospel, one that keeps it simple, sweet, Biblical, real and practical so that I can get it. I have tried counselors and psychologist, but I get further with the Word which is Jesus who is the Son of God who is Love. So the Word is the greatest love letter ever written, once we understand it.

You can keep looking for love in other people, but I have finally learned that if I don’t find out what real Love is then I won’t know when I have encountered a hustler that calls himself a lover, when I have experienced lust that simply calls herself love, when I have fallen for lies that mask themselves as truth, when I have chosen out of my weakness instead of God’s strength. Real Love waits for you. Real Love pulls the best out of you. Real Love never contradicts the God in you. Real Love loves you back for eternity. Real Love builds you up. Real Love challenges you. Real Love won’t stop searching until He finds the best you. Real Love highlights your beauty. Real Love fights for you and not against you. Real Love loves real and Real Love brings integrity and standards and grace and freedom and honesty and excitement and happiness and joy and patience and everything that you truly need . . .

-MizJAI-

Love is that four letter world that we sling around carelessly referring to our favorite car with this word, our favorite clothes, our favorite show, our favorite desert. This one word encompasses for us a range of things–from what we adore to the people that we just cannot live without. Love is what humans live and die for. As quiet as it is kept, love is everything to all of us. It’s just, we don’t know what it really is. We reach the age where our parent’s and family’s and friend’s love is not enough and we just need more.

So, some of us have sex with whom ever we choose and we call it “making love.” And some of us have a chemical response to another’s body and utter “I love” that, when I want that or I lust that are more appropriate. We search for it in the air around us and the face every man or woman we meet. We secretly know we really need it and want it, but we don’t know how to really have love.

Well, the truest meaning of the word is God. God is Love and since He is, then to have more Love is to have more of Him. It’s more than Christians “getting non-Christians saved.” It’s a woman falling in love with her creator. It’s a man taking off the mask and allowing God to create love in his life that changes the course of everything as he has known it. It’s about me and you becoming more real than we have ever been before, simply because Love requires our honesty, our nakedness, our longing for the Living God to be central to everything that we are and all that we do, to show us just what He can do with this heart inside this lifetime. To really live and love.

MizJAI

Some people have a tendency to wait for someone to save them from their lives. It’s that woman again waiting for her knight in shining armor to ride in on his white horse and scoop her up from her boring, underfunded, overspending life. Waiting for him to love her in-spite of her broken heart. Waiting for him to complete her. It’s that man waiting to start his real life once he finds a wife. It’s that anxious need to be loved and yes rescued from lonely nights. It’s that need to find our answers outside of ourselves instead of within. God lives on the inside of the righteous and our answers are where He is. He’s in the Word and He reveals the truth about us. So let’s get real.

Have you ever been bored and overworked and thought that if you had a (new) mate all would be well? Well, before the singles get all anxious and the couples get to switching partners and start responding to that next person who pays attention to them, listen to what’s going on with you. If there was no mate, what would you do to get yourself out of your funk? What would you do to save yourself? How real are you willing to be with you?

Maybe your prince charming wants a woman who knows how to ride alongside him. And believe me, even a capable and whole woman will need to be rescued on a bad day. There is room for romance, but I’m just saying there is room for you to take full responsibility of your life, your joy, your finances, your future and your heart. Stop holding back and waiting before you start your life; write your book, release your album, launch your new business idea, or at least improve on you by learning or doing something new like horse back riding, painting, traveling, singing . . . like worship, Word and fellowship so that God can expose your weaknesses and your strengths and heal what’s broken. So that when you find that woman she finds a whole man to love.
Let’s get to the business of really living, there is an entire world out there that is big enough for your best dream. You just get yourself ready to walk it out.

MizJAI

Knowing that, make sure that you make choices to ensure that your eternity is relaxing and beautiful and all things lovely. Check your heart for your first love, your love for the One who created you. It is amazing to me how we know that the intelligent things that we use daily like cars, airplanes, and medical equipment have a creator. Yet we are confused as to the idea that the intricacies of the human body, the way that air surrounds us, the way gravity grounds us have a Creator too. No matter your religion (Christian, Muslim, Buddhism, Atheism, etc.), it seems that there are so many intelligent creations that require a better author than simply a random bang. My Pastor says, “God is that which nothing greater can be conceived of,” after you reach the limits of your best thoughts and ideas, there’s God standing there with the truest and most life changing solutions, if you let Him. Of course His #1 answer is His son (John 3:16), and everything else floods in after . . .

Allow yourself to have the ultimate gift: tap into a love that lasts forever (Rom 10:9-10) and find out what love really is (I John 4:16, I Cor 13: 4-13), and then you can give your man or your woman the best of you and the best of you just gets better with Love.

-MizJAI-

• L is for Love
• O is for Outstanding
• V is for Very, Very Extraordinary
• E is for Everlasting

Remember, a lack of a rest is a crucial enemy to our dreams because we have a tendency to forget who we are and what we have accomplished so far, and the problems tend to appear larger than the solution. So yes, we need a moment to think, sleep, chill and regroup. Take your ‘love day’ to take care of you, and the way you love another will improve, because they will get the overflow of the best you. Don’t wait for Valentine’s, start today!

-MizJAI-

• L is for Love
• O is for Outstanding
• V is for Very, Very Extraordinary
• E is for Everlasting

Watching a woman face the truth can make you want to run or get real too.

One of the women at the table said that she wasn’t pretending any more either. Another one said that she would only want him for sex right now, so until she had a better reason, she would rather wait. The third woman said, ‘can I get some more cocktail sauce.’ And I took another bite of my fish and digested the sex answer, and mulled over what I wanted. I wanted to trust again and to be loved for real or not at all (at least as far as men are concerned). I said nothing. How real did I want to get with myself?

Long after lunch ended and we had stepped back out into the world where we have to carry our own music in our hearts, her questions lingered with me and required honest answers. I’m still pondering today which is one of the reason’s Johari’s Window came back to my mind. There are things that we need others in order to see in our selves. I now see more of my heart. And like that woman with all the questions, I want to be honest too. Do you?

-MizJAI-